It often happens that our children disobey. In previous generations, such disrespectful attitudes would have been unthinkable. Who would have dared to challenge the threatening glance of a Casablanca father, or answer back to Grandma and Papi Simon from Colomb-Bechar? Unthinkable. So yes, we have deteriorated in the area of ​​honoring our parents. However, not everything is lost; we can still make improvements.

But how? This week, I would like to share one of the answers. It is likely to give us a lot to think about. But it is a good start to achieve a much more serene atmosphere at home.

Last Sunday morning, a daily scene occurred again. As usual, I asked my youngest daughter to do her Tefilah. She rattled and mumbled some incomprehensible words. I felt the pressure and stress rise within me and silently attributed my malaise to the fact she does not obey (a feeling that is shared by millions of moms over similar frustrating scenarios).

So I repeated my request a second time only to elicit the same pitiful response.

The pressure rose again, and I began to harbor all kinds of purely imaginary negative ideas. That’s when I found myself thinking:

"What ingratitude. Hashem gives her everything and she cannot take ten minutes to thank Him! Really… "

"Oh my G-d, I have a rebellious daughter, what a nightmare! "

"Ok, if she wants to play games, I am giving her the silent treatment. I want to show her how angry I am at her behavior and how disappointed I feel about her. Grrr...she's making me nervous! "

At my wit’s end, I repeat my request one last time and witness how her Tefilah is finally done in anger and despair. Missed the mark, big time!

The atmosphere in the house turns sour. What a tragedy! We all know how this state of affairs can surreptitiously influence our children’s education. Children go where life is good (PS: so do our husbands). If we create a home atmosphere where parents work their Middot, where a serene atmosphere of joy and trust in Hashem and in life reign, they will love their home life and always return to its warmth.

If the home is gloomy, sad, permeated with anger and anxiety, they will seek joy and warmth elsewhere, at the cost of distancing themselves from the family and engaging in bad company, so long as they feel accepted and embraced to resuscitate their ego from the ashes. But the price will be very high.

So, just a minute! I better calm down. If my child takes a bad turn in life, God forbid, who will suffer the most? I will, no doubt.

So, to avoid my negative energy from permeating the entire house, I shut myself up in my room for a few minutes to quiet my thoughts.

"I made a request and got a negative answer. Can I turn things around and own my clumsy request instead of blaming my daughter? If the message went wrong, perhaps  I was a bad communicator? "

Yes... little by little, my thoughts are clearer and calming my heart’s turmoil.

I continue my reflection: "In fact, my message was poorly communicated. Because she does not understand the importance of Tefillah. How is it possible?"

Finally, I got the right answer. When I made this request, she perceived she must do her daily Tefillah for me. .. And of course, this is confusing.

Why? Simply because I myself have not internalized that if she fails to do her Tefilah, it is at her own disadvantage.

We are in fact living in two parallel worlds, I think it through. If it’s not working, I am the culprit. I project my own malaise on her, while she gravitates on a different planet.

She is in touch with her Yetzer Hara and just wants some peace and quiet! She also perceives she must do her Tefillah to please me. What dissonance!

We moms often project our anxieties and frustrations on our children. While a more effective way to lead our children is by giving them a chance to take on their own responsibilities, not ours.

Example: "You do not want to do your Tefillah, my princess? What a pity! It's so comforting to rely on Hashem for protection and blessings throughout the day. I'm sure you'll eventually gather the courage to do this." In a different configuration, she may feel reinvigorated by taking on the responsibility in her own hands. After all, she is an adult “in progress”.

Let us also add that encouraging our children to shoulder their responsibilities builds a foundation that will ensure balance and grounding in their adult lives. Taking responsibility and holding the reins of their own lives from a young age can guarantee a future stable life.

The child may thus gradually internalize that each choice bears consequences and that it is crucial to weigh the pros and cons in any situation. This is a basic notion in Judaism.

There’s no room in education for permanent justifications and "Tirutsim" (pretexts) … In short, we must avoid giving our children the feeling that we expect them to be perfect. Rather, we should fire their desire to slowly improve, by and for themselves, bearing in mind that failures are both inevitable and constructive.

Hashem regularly gives us opportunities to confess our mistakes,  thus giving us a chance to get rid of our devastating guilt.

To conclude, if our children do not listen to us it is because their innate sense tells them that our demands are not being voiced with healthy intentions: to see them grow as individuals apart from the whole. They sense our hope of seeing them redeem of our own existence by becoming an extension of ourselves.

I would be happy to read your own testimonies and reflections on the above. So please, feel free to write.

Kol Tuv!