My name is Shira, I am 37, and I am the mother of three adorable little children. I became a Baalat Teshuva 10 years ago. I met my dear husband after I became religious; he is like a present that I received from Hashem after the difficult journey that I undertook being that I came from a completely non-religious family.

After we got married, we settled in a religious neighbourhood, and it was there that our children were born. We have always been stringent with regards to Halacha, and every year we learned more and more; so much so that today we feel 'more religious than religious!'

Until several months ago, I lived the routine life of a mother who looks after young children…I worked out of the house and kept up the busy pace of domestic work; looking after the children, cleaning, cooking meals, laundry, and the race between different extracurricular activities and visits to the doctor on cold winter days. My husband also works very hard and tries to spend his free time learning Torah. As a result, most of the familial burden is on my shoulders.

A pressuring time

A few months ago, I found out that I was pregnant, and to my surprise, I found myself wondering with unfeigned fear, how I was going to cope with a baby in addition to all my already existing pressures.

I became very critical, rather angry, without patience, and above all I didn't succeed in feeling joy and elevation in the divine service on a daily basis, although I knew that for women, this service is mainly comprised of repetitive domestic tasks such as running the house and the burden of child care. I listened a lot to the song 'Mitzvah Gedolah Lihios B'simcha Tamid' ('It is a big Mitzva to always be happy') but I wasn’t able to internalize it, and even worse,most of the time, I dwelt on what I did not have, or what I was lacking, instead of realizing all the abundance that I had been given.

I obviously carried on keeping Shabbat, Kashrut, the laws of family purity, and modesty, as well as all the rest of the halachot. I was nearly always connected to Torah-Box. But I did neglect many things simply because it didn’t suit me, or because it was difficult for me. I knew that 'Lashon Hara' was worse than wearing a short skirt as the girls of our neighborhood would often chant. However, as a teacher surrounded by teachers, I listened to quite a lot of Lashon Hora and I would also be affected by 'Avak Lashon Hara' (dust of Lashon Hara) and sometimes I even joined along, slandering here, and making comments there…

I even stopped praying one prayer a day under a pretext that I didn’t have the time. I even heard from someone that women are not expected to pray a daily prayer if they are overwhelmed. That is how I distanced my connection with my Creator, paradoxically by reading Shabbat magazines that were my only means of knowing what that week's Parsha was.

While my neighbor said Tehillim every day, in my house, dust was gathering on the book shelves. Of course, who has time in the rat race of daily life to stop and say tehillim? I was tired, overwhelmed…

I was a sort of bland Jew, uninterested, I did the Mitzvot conscientiously, but without any real commitment, or heartfelt devotion to Hashem.

I know that unfortunately there are a lot of people like that, believing children of believers, but their joy and trust in Hashem leaves a lot to be desired. Externally, I looked like the picture perfect religious lady, but inside I was far from this.

All this changed one Friday night. After the meal I went to lie down on the couch as usual to look at photos of holidays on the last page of the Shabbat newspaper. There are endless advertisements for holidays in Israel and all over the world. I stored in my mind these pictures of holidays and their unbeatable prices. It is true that we are not supposed to look at such adverts on Shabbat, but they were there and anyway it seemed a bit ridiculous to me, like other Halachot of Shabbat. Don’t exaggerate, I told myself.

While reading, I kept touching my neck which was itching me a bit. Then I felt something strange, a kind of round and unusual bump at the back of my throat. At first, I told myself that it must be my Adam's apple or another natural thing. However, the bump could clearly be touched and it completely changed my mood. I tried to chase the thoughts that tormented me, but without success.

Sunday morning, I went to my family doctor who reassured me straight away and told me with a big smile that it was part of my thyroid glands and it was nothing to worry about. He told me that sometimes it swells up, and this especially happens to pregnant women. Nonetheless, to remove any doubt, she sent me to do a scan. I left smiling and happy, the worse was not to be feared.  

I had the ultrasound a few days later, just to play safe, and I wasn’t in any hurry to get the results from my doctor. After all, hadn't she told me that everything was in order and there was nothing to worry about?

Finally, I went back to the doctor to get a prescription for something that was not connected at all. However, when she read the results, she was not smiling at all.

'It says that the results demonstrate a need for further examinations,' she told me in a dry, laconic voice, that sent chills down my spine.

What results? What are we talking about?

What additional tests? What are they worried about?

She explained to me that they had found several small growths that they needed to investigate. Another curt explanation, that caused me to fear the worst.

She provided me with a letter for the endocrinologist and told me that the rest of the tests and advice should be sought from him as my case was too complicated for her; she was simply a family doctor, she was not an expert in this field.

I left her office feeling worried and uncomfortable. I still held onto her previous words that everything was trivial and that all would be ok.

That night I asked my husband what we should do. 'Maybe we should take something on?' he suggested. 'Take on yourself to do something good'. I wondered what to take on. Maybe to pray once a day, because I knew full well that women are required to pray at least one Tefilla day. I could have 'rebelled' and found a Heter (dispensation) by that 'someone' who said that mothers of young children were exempt.  However, I didn’t fight my intuition, 'Yes, starting tomorrow I will pray one Tefilla a day, even if I am overwhelmed. I can easily grant 10 minutes a day to my Creator and beg Him that all should go well.'

No sooner said than done. Apparently, when you include Tefilla in your daily routine, suddenly everything falls into place. It was not as impossible as I had thought.

I went to the endocrinologist a few days later, accompanied by my husband. He examined me, looked at the results of my scan and took on a grave expression.

'You have three growths in your neck. One seems benign, but the other two look like they have been there for a while and seem suspicious. You need to undergo an emergency biopsy in order to determine if they are benign or malignant, G-d forbid'.

'But if they are not benign?' I dared to ask. 'Well that depends,' he answered. 'It will then be either a tumour or it will have spread…'

I was frightened! I felt the worst fear I had ever felt. A mere two weeks ago, before finding the lump, I felt healthy and well. And suddenly I might be sick, G-d forbid, and not just any sickness… the endocrinologist prescribed a biopsy in a hospital and wished me luck.

I burst out crying, bitter tears, as my dear husband tried to encourage me by telling me that G-d can send a deliverance in the blink of an eye, and that it is not yet certain what I have in my neck. But the simple act of thinking about it overwhelmed me completely.

I cried for my small children, for the foetus that I was carrying, for my husband, and for everything.

I suddenly wanted so much to return to my busy daily schedule, the schedule which until now had caused me to be so irritable and annoyed. I wanted that all my problems should me made up of my children's mess, my tiredness, endless laundry, meals that were waiting for me. Suddenly this routine seemed to be the height of happiness.

Why Complain?

Why to get annoyed? How much happiness was contained in this banal domestic divine service? How stupid I was!

'He who trusts in G-d, Chesed surrounds him.' I immediately made up my mind with my husband to engrave these words into my heart and my life.

Suddenly, all the things that I knew that I needed to work on, and that had seemed to me derisory or difficult, became my lifeline. No more slacking or ignoring, and no matter how difficult it may be. When efforts are made for the life of a human being, everything seems simple and possible. I added the prayer of Nishmat Kol Chai to my daily prayer, and I said it full of fervour, and I also said the Tefilla of Ketores and of course Psalms of Tehillim.

The day of the biopsy came, and we had to wait approximately two hours.  Instead of simply waiting, we went to look for the small synagogue. It was on the lower floor of the hospital, and we sat down in a corner and prayed.

I shed many tears. I asked forgiveness for the lack of enthusiasm and the distance with which I served my Creator, and I asked forgiveness for the lack of gratitude for all the good that I had. I asked forgiveness for my arrogance that made me nervous and caused me to complain about insignificant things such as a stain on the floor or a torn shirt. I asked to be forgiven for all the little things that I did not take seriously, as though I was telling G-d that I was doing enough, and it is not really necessary to observe every halacha. I realised how wrong I was and how much I had lost out.

I asked and I begged to have another chance to live my daily routine again with joy, I wanted the opportunity to clean and cook while humming songs, the opportunity to change another diaper with happiness. I wanted another chance to work on myself.

After the tests, we gave money to Tzedakah and we asked a well known Rav for a bracha. That was all I needed. I had made a promise to Hashem, I had scrutinized my life and my actions, and thank G-d I kept Shabbat, Kashrut, family purity and the laws of modesty. But I asked G-d to show me what was not correct in my way of life, and in which areas I was not letting Him into my life. But then I had a flash of clarity, it was my relationship with my husband!

As a stubborn woman who considered her home to be her stronghold, I led the household with a steady hand that forced the other members to comply to my wishes, while not including my husband in my domestic life. I did not pay attention to his opinion, and I would fight and negotiate non-stop with him. He suffered a lot while I thought that I was right.

I suddenly realized how important it is for a husband to feel respected in his home, that he should be the head of the family and that he must not be in competition with a parallel authority. How much blessing would peace bring into our home if I would take upon myself, however difficult it would be, to take a step back, let things flow, and leave my husband his rightful place in our home. Oh, how hard it was for me!

This is precisely why I made a promise regarding this; 'G-d,' I said, 'If the results of this test are benign, and if everything goes well, even if medically everything seems to the contrary, I will make my husband into the king of our home. I will no longer accuse him, nor contradict him, I will honour him, and I will no longer fight with him about the Halachic acceptance of my clothes. I will no longer ridicule him…I will give him the sceptre of the 'kingship' of our home, and I will be happy without the evil threat of this terrible disease hovering over my head. I will be happy with what I have, to live simply, to make, to do, to serve Hashem in my blessed daily life.'

The days that I waited for the results were nerve-racking. The only thing that allowed me to calm my anxiety was getting close to G-d. I discovered the beauty of prayer with devotion and the extraordinary value of Psalms, and in fact, I completely identified with some of them. Indeed, any human being who implores G-d to be healed can easily get closer to him. The real challenge is to know how to do this during the blessing of everyday life, rather than when in distress.

I put a lot of emphasis on my rights over my children, that I should raise them, watch them grow up, and get married, and that they should not miss a maternal figure, G-d forbid.  Suddenly, I realized what a gift I had been given to be able to bring up my children to respect Torah and Mitzvot. What happiness had I missed by complaining, getting annoyed and being unhappy for nothing!

If only this terrible threat would be removed, I would be happy about everything, about laundry, washing up, work, of running to buy medicine for my children suffering from a cold. I would be content with everything!

A week later, the endocrinologist called me on my mobile because the hospital had sent him the results.

In a few words, he put a stop to the most terrible period of my existence. 'All is well, it is benign.'

'Come back after you give birth if the benign lump disturbs you, and we will simply remove it. Nothing out of the ordinary, there is no danger, it is just a matter of your comfort.'

My joy knew no bounds! I gave Tzedakah, I honoured my surprise husband with joy and happiness. I have discovered that since I have given him unique command over our house, I have gained a lot. 'I decide whatever you decide,' my husband tells me.

One of my children spills her drink and the second one is screaming? The laundry is overflowing, and my boss at work is not pleased with me? A little nose is running? The meal got burnt? Thank G-d I am alive and healthy, and with G-d's help I will be able to see them married and parents of their own children. The most terrible threat has been removed; all the rest is derisory, insignificant, and manageable.

Every time I feel that I am about to become embittered, I take a deep breath, and remind myself of the danger that I faced, and I rejoice in all the good that I have been given. Thank you, G-d, for all these little troubles!
My daily prayer, embellished with a thousand additions, is so sweet and precious to me. It gets better and better. Surmounting the challenges of Lashon Hara is like a pact between me and G-d. When someone starts to talk Lashon Hara, I simply change the subject, and I daven to Hashem that He should save me. I act as though my phone is ringing, and it works! But most importantly, that religious 'grey' lady has become a 'colourful' religious woman, close to Hashem and maintaining a relationship with Him, talking to Him, praying to Him.

A Precious Lesson for the Rest of My Life

I was lost in a dull world or drowning in a distressing situation. I am telling you with all my heart, don't miss out on having a real relationship with G-d. Take upon yourselves real resolutions, discover the power of prayer, and don't wait for Hashem to 'wake you up' in a disagreeable way.  It is always preferable to give up from ourselves, and not to allow things to get in the way of our divine service.